Coming Home
by MissLala73
Summary: Max has been away a long time, but he's back now ...
1. Chapter 1

It's not strictly speaking a sequel, but will make more sense if you read "Stuck" first.

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Millie knew his voice within seconds. Of course it was him. She had heard a rumour that he was back. Back after six months, more than that, nearly seven months really. Not a word during that time. Not a call, text, email, letter, message. Nothing. It was as if she had never existed in his life. Strange really, because they had spent nearly every minute together that they weren't working in the four months previously. You would have thought that would count for something wouldn't you?

She cocked her head to one side. "Yeah, got back last night. Just a few things to do at home then straight back here. Figured I may as well hit the ground running". He was talking to someone in uniform, but she didn't want to look over and couldn't make out who it was. Mechanically tying the belt on her coat she listened for a moment longer before turning away and walking along the corridor to the exit.

Max saw her as soon as she stepped out of the locker room. She seemed different but he couldn't quite see how from a distance. Thinner perhaps, different hair. Not sure, would have to be closer to be certain, but definitely different. Well, seven months is a long time after all.

It wasn't the right time to approach her anyway, so he was relieved that Nate had stopped to welcome him back to Sun Hill. He guessed that he was likely to be greeted with surprise by most of his colleagues so he may as well get used to their questions. It would wear off in a day or two anyway. There would only be one colleague whose questions would be difficult to answer.

Millie sat between Leon and Ben in the pub, resting her chin on her hands, desperately trying to maintain some interest in the nonsense they were talking. She was sure it was very funny, they were certainly in fits about something, but it was lost on her. Mel looked at her and rolled her eyes, whatever they were talking about it clearly didn't mean much to her either. It made Millie feel a bit better at least. The problem was that she felt as though every bit of life had been wrenched away from her, again, for the second time in seven months. Bastard.

"Sorry guys, I've really got a splitting headache. I need to get some Nurofen and go to bed."

"Mills! No, don't go, we're only just getting started!"

"That's sort of what I'm afraid of" she replied with a small smile " I don't want to hold you down".

"Maybe I'd like you told me down" responded Ben cheekily.

Millie eyed him in the same way she hoped his mother would. "Enough of that Benjamin. I'll see you all in the morning when my headache will be long gone and yours will be settling in for the rest of the day". With that, she swept up her bag and left.

It wasn't complete lie. She did have a splitting headache, but it was the reappearance of Max Carter that had brought it on, she had felt her blood pounding in her ears as soon as she realised he was back. In a forlorn attempt to distract herself from the pain, she went home via the supermarket. She wasn't hungry of course, but she did need to get some Nurofen and maybe something might tempt her, it was better than sitting at home wondering how she was going to face him.

Max tidied his desk a bit, fiddled with a few bits of paperwork here and there, deleted several hundred emails and sat back, staring at his screen. He hadn't seen her in nearly seven months, hadn't even looked at a photograph of her in that time. But seeing her in the flesh today, albeit at a distance, he wanted her just as much as he had the first time they had kissed in that lift nearly a year ago. It hit him like a train, just how much he had missed her. It might not sound exciting, but all he wanted to do was curl up on his sofa with her, a bottle of wine and a dvd of something she would love and he would hate, but would endure for her sake. Somehow, he didn't rate his chances of achieving that goal without serious effort.


	2. Chapter 2

Max drove round a bit, up and down the streets surrounding Millie's apartment block, but not actually past it. It took a long time to decide whether he had the courage to see if she was in. _No point putting off the inevitable_, he thought, _it's got to be done, no matter how painful._ He pulled up outside the electric gates of the car park. Looking inside he could see her car wasn't there. _Damn_, he thought, _well I'm here now, might as well wait a while_. He parked on the street before heading over to the pedestrian entrance. The key code was imprinted in his mind from four months of almost daily use, he hoped it was the same. Just as the gate buzzed to life in acquiescence, he noticed activity from Millie's apartment door. In the dimming light, he swiftly recognised the figures of Millie's flatmate and her boyfriend walking down the half flight of stairs to ground level. The girl clearly recognised him immediately.

"Hello Becksy" Max looked across to the dopey eyed boyfriend "Jasper." Jasper appeared to focus on him and might have even given a nod of acknowledgement, but Max couldn't be entirely certain. _No change there then_, thought Max disparagingly, he'd never been able to work out these two. She was so bright and breezy, yet he never seemed to be on the same planet, let alone utter a word.

"Well as I live and breathe. Max Carter. Where have you been all this time?" Becksy was surprised certainly, but her tone was guarded. "And more to the point, does Mill know you're here?"

"Away and no" replied Max, keeping it brief. Knowing he was so in the wrong, he was feeling defensive and didn't see why he had to answer to anyone except Millie. He liked Becksy, but her opinion of him wasn't important.

"She isn't in".

"Well, I'll wait then"

"I think she's out with your lot tonight. Might be late". Becksy was clearly trying to dissuade him from waiting, he couldn't blame her for looking out for her friend.

"I've got nothing else planned" Max shrugged. Somehow Becksy seemed to sense some vulnerability in him and softened.

"Look, Mills was in a really bad way when you went off wherever it is you went. She's only just come out the other side and I don't want to see her getting hurt again."

"Neither do I".

Becksy smiled ruefully and regarded him for a second or two before slowly saying "well short of calling the police to have you removed, I guess there isn't much I can do."

"Thanks Becksy, I appreciate it".

"Hmmm, but I tell you this, if you mess with her, I'll set Jasper on you". Jasper appeared to perk up at the mention of his name before settling back into his own world, much like a Labrador thought Max abstractly. "Don't be fooled" she rebuked as she noticed Max look across at her boyfriend "appearances can be deceptive. We thought you were a pretty straight kind of guy" she left the words 'and look how wrong we were' hanging in the air between them.

"Look, I just want to talk to her, we both need that."

"I guess you do. Look, I haven't seen you and this conversation hasn't happened. Except for one thing, don't screw her up again. She doesn't deserve that... maybe see you around."

Max nodded, it was all he could do.


	3. Chapter 3

Max sat down midway up the half flight of steps to Millie's upper ground floor apartment, giving him a perfect view of the car park entrance while still being able to duck down and remain hidden long enough to allow Mille to drive in before she realised he was there. It wasn't a very cold evening, but he was glad to have his jacket with him and more importantly the pack of cigarettes that it now usually contained. He'd been really good about cutting right back before he'd gone away, but the habit was back with a vengeance now. He lit up, thinking about the last time he had been here nearly seven months ago. It had been their last night together.

It had been just an ordinary evening, much like any other in the previous four months. Millie cooked while Max flicked through the TV channels trying to find something that he could tolerate, but there was little of their usual banter. She was busy and he didn't feed her with the typical generalisations that provoked her into telling him what an idiot he could be. So there was silence, not that she seemed to notice much and that suited him. He had a lot to think about. He couldn't remember what they ate, probably nothing special, she was an aspiring domestic goddess, but still on the lower rungs. He'd liked that, it made her efforts to look after him all the more endearing than had she been a consummate professional. Afterwards they had settled down on the sofa together to watch a faintly ridiculous TV crime drama that they both knew didn't bear any relevance to reality but that as usual Millie would get emotionally involved in. True to form, just as the main character got herself into a truly stupid life-threatening situation, Millie clutched Max's arm so tightly that her nails dug into his skin. Normally he would have laughed and explained to her that it wasn't real, only make-believe, just as one would do to a small child. That would usually have earned him a painful dig in the ribs, but tonight he simply let her grip him and held her tightly in return.

She was always insistent about clearing the kitchen before going to bed. She hated waking up to pots and pans that still needed washing and would now take twice as long to do. That night however, Max wouldn't let her, he would do it in the morning before he left for work. She was resistant, not entirely believing his promise, but she gave in as he expertly kissed her neck, lifting her hair away to reveal the soft translucent skin that he so adored. Guiding her backwards towards her bedroom, he slowly undressed her button by button as she did him so that by the time they reached the bed they were both naked to the waist, jeans undone, ready to be slipped off as they hit the mattress. Max reached across the bed to switch on a side lamp, he wanted to watch her tonight, to be able to remember every emotion that would flicker across her features. Tonight would have to last a very long time in his memory.

He brought her to orgasm over and over that night, he couldn't get enough of her writhing beneath him, arching towards him and gasping his name. Her flame coloured hair spilled around her in stark contrast to the crisp white sheets and framing her face so perfectly. Her features expressive as ever in the rise and fall of the rapture she was feeling. Eventually he could hold back no longer and he surrendered to his own release in great shuddering waves, crying out her name with agonising ecstasy.

He collapsed to the side of her, their bodies melded together, sticky and sated. Max nestled into the crook of her neck, breathing too heavily to talk and not knowing what to say anyway. Millie wound her legs round his and within a few minutes she appeared to have drifted off to sleep.

He kept his promise to do the dishes in the early hours of the morning. He couldn't sleep and leaving her a note to say that he would see her the next evening, he left to go home. She was used to that, he often only slept a few hours and rather than get restless in her apartment he would go home if he had an early start the next day. She wouldn't think anything strange in his sudden departure this time, except that it would be the last.


	4. Chapter 4

Max drew deeply on his third cigarette that hour, still waiting for Millie to return. He decided to give her another hour, it was getting cooler, and the stone steps weren't very comfortable. Besides, he only had a couple of cigarettes left and at the current rate, that wouldn't last him long. No matter how hard he tried not to think about what he had done seven months ago, it kept forcing its way back into his head.

He had been in court most of the day so hadn't seen her at the station but instead they arranged to meet at one of their favourite out of the way pubs. Going public was still something they were both keen to avoid, their secrecy made the relationship all the more intimate and tender, untainted by the inevitable judgemental opinions of their colleagues. It was a balmy Autumnal evening, she was already in the pub garden with her glass of wine and what he guessed would be a trashy magazine. He had always chided her for her appalling taste in reading material but she argued that it meant she understood what the local kids were talking about when they discussed the latest on Katie Price and Peter Andre. Max hadn't a clue who they were and had no interest in finding out, Millie would call him a dinosaur and they would agree to differ. Not this evening though. He sat down silently opposite her, unable to meet her eyes as she smiled at him. He fidgeted for a few seconds while her expression changed to one of concerned confusion and just as she opened her mouth to speak he looked up.

"I can't do this anymore. It isn't working for me and it's for the best that we don't see each other out of work again".

Millie's eyes grew wide with shock and her lips parted. His stomach wrenched as he saw the full force of what he had said hit her and watched as the Millie he knew retreated before him and was replaced by an icy statute incapable of speech. She held his gaze without flinching, closed her magazine, got up and walked away.

That was the last time he had seen her until today. If he could just get her to listen to him, he knew he could make her understand. What they had was so good, surely she would understand he had no choice, he had been protecting her after all. Of course, he couldn't tell her the whole truth, he wouldn't stand a chance if she knew everything.

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Millie had ambled along the isles of the supermarket, absently picking up items here and there. The usual comforts in the form of wine, cake and ice-cream, anything that she thought might raise her spirits, but she doubted anything was going to lessen the shock of knowing he was back.

While she shopped, she recalled the last evening she had seen him. The early evening sun had shone on her back as she sat waiting for him, she basked in its warmth radiating through her body. The glass of wine was helping and she felt happy, with hindsight, happier than she had any right to be. If she had had her head screwed on properly she might have seen it coming, but she didn't. A complete bolt from out of leftfield.

"…isn't working for me and it's for the best that we don't see each other out of work again" was what she remembered, rejection. Not much else. Not the journey home, nor taking the sleeping pill that her mother had once given her 'in case of emergency'. She hadn't understood that comment at the time, but now she did. It had helped, she slept, slept through until the next day when 'Max and Millie' seemed to have never existed. No one at work knew about them so no one connected her detached manner with his immediate leave of absence. Becksy was away for a couple of weeks so no one at home to lean on. She could have talked to her parents, but her father had already voiced concern about Max, which her mother had decided was because they were too similar. Quietly she died inside, each day getting worse with no one to turn to.


	5. Chapter 5

She pressed the buzzer to open the electric gates to the car park of her apartment block, unaware of Max's car parked further along the street. She didn't see him sitting on the steps leading to her flat until she pulled in and then it was too late to turn back and just keep driving. She parked in her usual space and turned off the engine. Taking a deep breath she withdrew the key from the ignition and opened the door. Max stood as she got out of the car, it was impossible to avoid eye contact.

"What do you want?" she muttered turning back to the rear door to retrieve her shopping bags.

"To see you" he replied, nervously she thought. Good.

"Well that much is obvious" Millie responded shortly. "I just don't know why you want to see me. You made yourself pretty clear seven months ago". She grappled with the bags as she closed the car door and pressed the key fob to lock it. Max watched her struggle, he wanted to help but something told him that his assistance would not be appreciated, so he stood dumbly watching. She started up the steps, brushing past him as she walked to the top. With her back to him, she set the bags down and put her key into the lock.

"You've cut your hair" he reached out to touch a lock of her hair, now just a short bob above her shoulder line and felt strangely bereft when his fingers slipped through to the ends much sooner than he was used to, grazing her skin as he did so. "I'm not sure I like it". She jerked her head away from his hand, her rejection of his touch was like a knife in his stomach.

"Your opinion of my hair is irrelevant. You threw away that right a long time ago".

"We have to talk Millie" he pleaded softly to her back

"There really is nothing to say Max. You finished us and then you disappeared."

"I need to tell you why. There is a reason, maybe not a good one but please …" he trailed off.

"I can't deal with this, not just to make you feel better" she whispered but being so close to him was having the same old effect on her. She could have kicked herself for being so weak.

"Please, can we just talk? We need to do this." Millie signed, she knew he was right. It would have been different if they didn't have to work together, but short of one of them transferring, which she hadn't ruled out earlier that evening, they would have to move beyond this. She rested her head against the door for a moment, trying to decide whether she had the strength to let him in.

"You'd better come in then. I don't feel like putting on some sort of entertainment for the neighbours". She opened the door and picking up her bags walked in, leaving him to close the door.

He noticed the changes inside her apartment immediately. Gone were the soft oatmeal and cream tones, replaced with stark blue and white. Everything looked sharper, less comfortable somehow. Even the furniture had been rearranged so that it bore little semblance to the room he had previously spent so much time in with her. Any hint of them as a couple was gone, the photographs, the mementos of things they had done, places they had gone, all disappeared. But then what did he expect? Some kind of shrine to Max and Millie?

"You've redecorated" he stated awkwardly, really only for something to say. She placed her bags on the kitchen area counter top and looked back at him balefully as if to say 'I know that'. _Why does she have to make things so difficult_, he wondered to himself irrationally.

"Go on then. You wanted to talk. Talk. Say what you need to and go." She started to put things away in the cupboards. Max ran a hand through his hair, where to start?

"Millie, please sit down." She banged a can down on the counter in annoyance. _Why can't he just get on with it?_ She turned back to him, he looked like he was in agony, she fought so hard to maintain her defences but just being in the same space as him was so hard, so hard. Slowly, she walked back to the living area and sat down in the single armchair, carefully keeping her distance. She briefly looked up at him expectantly but unable to trust herself to stay calm, averted her gaze. Max sat on the adjacent sofa and wiped his hands over his face. "I didn't have a choice Millie. I had to end our relationship otherwise the undercover operation would have been compromised. We couldn't take that risk".

"We?"

"It was a joint operation with Interpol. They needed a UK officer who was firearms trained and spoke Polish as a native."

"You".

"Me" he nodded. "There was one other guy, but he has a wife and two kids and they wouldn't take that chance." He had her attention now. "There's high level corruption within the Polish police and the trail came back to London. Drugs and prostitution mainly, but there was also suspicion of gun-running. They needed someone to go in as an official secondee but really to infiltrate and work out what was going on. Get involved if necessary. I was told that it would be dangerous and if I was discovered, my family would be at risk." He looked up at her "I didn't know how long it was going to take and I couldn't expect you to wait for me. Besides I couldn't take a chance with your safety Millie. I had to cut any connection between you and me. No choice". But even as he said the words he realised how weak his explanation sounded. Millie jumped up, her anger at him palpable.

"I'm not some random from the street Max. You should have told me. I might not have liked it, but I would have understood the reasons. I do understand something about undercover operations, although you've never credited me with much between the ears have you?" The last comment was a direct reference to how he had once described her. He looked at her with undisguised bewilderment that she could bring that up again after all this time. Of all the great things he had said to her, why did she always have to remember that stupid comment?

"That's not fair. I know how it all sounds but it was the right decision at the time. I didn't know what or who I was going to be dealing with and I needed to focus on the op. Any distraction might have been fatal."

"Oh, so I was a distraction? Why are you here now? I'd hate to distract you again!" She new she was starting to sound hysterical. The anger was eating away inside her, threatening to spill over into the unshed tears that she had resolutely refused to cry since that evening in the pub garden.

"Look I understand how you must feel about me leaving like that but …"

"You understand? Oh well, that's okay then! I'm glad you bloody understand because I don't! All I know is that everything was great, we were happy or at least I thought we were and then out of the blue you decide it's ... it's over and then you're gone. Disappeared off the face of the earth, no trace, no one knew anything, the official line was leave of absence but I didn't believe that, I don't think anyone did. No one thinks you have a life outside of work" she gave a little laugh and looked up to the ceiling trying to hold back the tears welling in her eyes "only I knew differently, or so I thought. But I was wrong wasn't I? You can't handle a life out of work because it's too distracting!"

"No Millie, no" he held out a hand to her, trying to gather her to him but she flinched away. "I had to Millie, there wasn't any other way, no choice" re repeated, but it sounded weak, even to him now.

"But you made that choice" she screamed "your choice, all about you, what was best for you, your precious career" her tears were in full flow now, streaming down her cheeks. "You can't handle real life Max, real feelings, real relationships". Max wasovercome with the need to take the pain away from her. He had known that she would have been hurt, but not having been around to see just how devastated she was had made it seem less real. Besides, he had always assumed that he would return and they would get back on track, she would understand. He crossed the distance between them within a second or two, gathering her into his arms and for a moment she seemed to crumble and accept him but something in her ignited and she pushed his arms away, beating on his chest with her fists, the tears still falling. "Why did you do it? Why?" she repeated over and over. He couldn't answer because the real reason was too cruel. Gradually, she slowed and as her pummelling lessened, she allowed his arms to surround her. She slumped against his chest, breathing him in. The pain was still there but somehow it was dulled in his arms.

"I'm sorry, so sorry. I had to do it, had to be single. Couldn't do it any other way. So sorry". The safety she had always felt when he held her mesmerised her as did his softly spoken words, but something he said pinched at her consciousness 'had to be single. Couldn't do it any other way'. What did that mean? Slowly she drew away from him at looked upwards into his eyes. He sensed her suspicion and watched in horror as she worked it out.

"There was a woman, wasn't there?" Millie whispered. He didn't answer, couldn't lie. She shoved back against him. "Tell me the truth. There was a woman involved in this op. wasn't there?" She felt sick as he looked away, unable to meet her eyes. "Did you sleep with her? Did you?" Her voice was low as she desperately tried to keep hold of herself, fighting the revulsion that was building.

"Millie, it wasn't like that. I …"

"Didn't have a choice. I know" she howled. "Get out"

"Please Millie …"

"Get out" she grabbed his jacket from the back of the sofa and pushed it into his chest so that he had to fumble to clutch it before it fell.

"No, Millie …" he was flustered, desperate.

"Get out, get out, get out!" she screamed, pushing him backwards towards the door. He looked at her dumbly, what could he say that would make this any better? Once again he'd underestimated her ability to work out the truth and now he was paying the price for his own stupidity, letting slip just those few words that had told her all she needed to know. He could see that she wouldn't listen to anything her had to say now.

"Millie, I …" he wanted to say he would call her later, but she had already turned away. Hesitating a moment longer, he walked to the door and closed it behind him.

Millie listened to the door close. She leant against the wall and slowly collapsed to the floor, her arms clutched around her, blindly staring ahead through silent tears.


	6. Chapter 6

Max felt her anger as the force of the door slamming vibrated around him, its noise ringing in his ears. Although he had known Millie would be furious at his return, he hadn't expected that she would work out the truth, or at least part of it anyway. There was no point in trying to make her understand tonight, he could see she was in shock and persisting would only drive her further away. He walked down the steps away from her door and towards the gate leading on to the road beyond. Turning, he took one last look at her apartment, there were no lights, no sign of life, yet he knew she was inside and all he wanted was to be there with her. He would make her understand, just didn't know how.

Max drove home. He was in a cold dark place, craving warmth that only her arms could give him. She was the only thing that would help him forget the sordid hell he had lived in all those months. His increasingly twisted view of the world he had come to inhabit made it harder and harder to distinguish between being himself and his corrupt alter ego. He had seen the seedy underbelly of life before, weekly if not daily in and around the streets of Sun Hill. He thought he knew it, understood it. Being a part of it however, was another matter and it had rocked his usually incontrovertible self-belief. He kept that to himself of course, couldn't let his handler know otherwise he would have been pulled straight out and there couldn't be any going back, not until the job was done. He knew he had been selected because of his skills and unemotional attitude, to weaken would be defeat, and he would not be defeated. Being corrupt, being part of the cause of such misery filled him with loathing, but it was just a means to an end, it wasn't really him. He altered evidence, delivered parcels, money, even a beating on more than one occasion albeit only to deserving characters. He counted his blessings that he had never actually had to physically hurt a good person, but he knew his actions were hurting others in different ways down the line.

It all started a month after his arrival in Warsaw. The introduction to his new life was being held down by Irina's henchman pointing a dirty needle loaded with heroin to his neck. She watched but then called them off and the affair started from there. She was attracted to his strength, that he hadn't begged, had remained defiant, unflinching. From then on Max cleared his mind of his former life and became the character he had to play. On the occasions where something reminded him of Millie, it was as if he was tainting her by simply thinking of her in this place. No place for Millie Brown here.

The operation had been a success. All key targets had either been taken down or were held facing lengthy prison sentences, but he was broken and exhausted by it all. It was as if his humanity had been stripped from him, that by the end it was easy to screw Irina every day. At first Max struggled, she was different to the women he had always been attracted to, little more than skin and bone and devoid of warmth, there was no happiness in her, no joy, nothing to make him smile. But as time went on it got easier and eventually he was barely aware of what he was doing. It was just sex, part of the strategy he agreed to at the start. He needed her, needed her devotion and protection from the others who didn't trust him. As ruthless as Irina was, she had a weakness for Max and listened to him. One by one, her allies were disposed of or alienated, leaving her vulnerable and dependent on him. That was when the world came crashing down around Irina and the final stand-off brought the operation to its conclusion.

But if he thought Max Carter would be restored upon his return to London, he found himself disillusioned. It just didn't happen, wouldn't happen until Millie let him back in and he could finally leave the detritus of Warsaw behind him.

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Millie didn't know how long she had sat on the floor of her sitting room, but it was dark by the time she came to her senses and felt the cramp in her legs. Stretching out, she looked up at the window to the clear Spring night sky outside. She couldn't exactly have described herself as happy twenty-four hours earlier, but she certainly hadn't felt the misery that consumed her now. She awkwardly forced herself to get up and limped towards the fridge and opened the door, its interior light illuminated the room eerily, accentuating the emptiness. She took out a bottle of white wine and contemplated simply necking it straight from the bottle, but abstractly imagining her Mother's horrified face reached up to a shelf for a glass. She necked the glass instead, banishing her Mother from her thoughts, _wouldn't approve of that either, oh well._ Millie hoped the wine would at least warm her inside, but it didn't. If anything it made her feel worse, fuelling the revulsion at what he had done. If he simply gone undercover, without telling her. Well she could have handled that, just about. Met someone and fallen for her? Would have been devastated, sure. But that he had deliberately taken on the job know knowing that he was going to have to sleep with another woman, would willingly sacrifice their relationship for the sake of his career. That made her feel worthless, had she really meant so little to him? How could she have been blind to that? He had frequently been abrupt with her at work, but that was just his way, and he had always been contrite when she pointed out later just what he had done. Maybe that had been the lie.

She knew from past experience that another sleeping pill would get her through the night. Absently she put away the remainder of her supermarket shopping, the ice-cream had melted, but she didn't care. Didn't want anything anyway. Filling her glass with water, Millie walked through the darkness to her bedroom. She flicked on her bathroom light and reached into the cabinet for the small white bottle that she had last opened seven months ago. Regarding it as an old friend she twisted the lid open, it had worked then, surely it would work now.

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While Millie reached for her pills, Max unscrewed the bottle of vodka and downed one shot, then another. He needed to sleep, but images haunted him. Millie's eyes filled with loathing, and Irina's soulless ones taunting him, perhaps she was getting her revenge after all.


	7. Chapter 7

The pill did work and Millie slept through the night but she felt dreadful the next morning. Still in her dressing gown and standing by the kitchen sink clasping a glass of juice with both hands, she fought to keep her eyes focused on the car park outside her window. She jumped slightly as Becksy appeared by her side.

"Well?"

"Well what?" responded Millie dully, taking another sip.

"I know he was here. What did he have to say?" Millie turned to face her best friend. Becksy's eyes widened as she saw the extent of the wretchedness displayed across Millie's features. "What did he say Mills?" she whispered. Millie opened her mouth to speak, but she found herself unable to form the words. "Oh God. Sit down. Just sit down." Becksy guided Millie back towards the sofa. After a minute or two, where Becksy held Millie's hand, she started to speak. Slowly and carefully she recounted to Becksy everything that Max had told her and what she had also worked out for herself, finishing with the wine and sleeping pill. Becksy let her speak, not interrupting or giving any opinion until she was finished. "Bastard" she finally muttered.

"Yep" Millie concurred flatly.

"Well, you can't go to work like this and I don't think mixing pills and booze is a good idea, that isn't going to help." The admonishment was kind but firm.

"I know. Stupid thing to do, but I wasn't thinking." She gingerly rose from the sofa, "but I do have to go in. Can't avoid it."

"Millie, you haven't had a day off in seven months, you have worked every possible shift and a few more besides. You are owed some time off, if you don't sort it, then I will." Reaching to a side table she picked up the telephone. "What's the number and who do I speak to?" Becksy's matriarchal tendencies were kicking in. It was how she had always had to look after Jasper, it was the only way she knew how to be in a time of crisis. Then, more softly she continued "I wasn't here for you last time and I'm not going to let that happen again."

"But you and Jas are going away today, I can't let you cancel your plans over this. I'll be okay, honestly. I'll go to work and I'll just get through it."

"No. You're coming with us, and that's final."

"I can't play gooseberry Becksy!"

"You won't. Frankly Jasper will be pleased. He's got loads of writing to do and I only ever get in his way. He'll be relieved that I'm out of his hair looking after you, rather than bothering him every five minutes." Becksy looked Millie determinedly in the eye and Millie found herself wanting to just go along with Becksy's plan, she felt exhausted, emotionally and physically. Perhaps it would be a relief to be somewhere safe, cocooned away from the pain waiting for her in Sun Hill. Perhaps she should go.

"Give me a few minutes to think about it, I'll have to go in this morning though. I can't just disappear." Millie slowly walked towards her bedroom to shower and dress.

"Doesn't seem to bother some" muttered Becksy after her. Absurdly, Millie found herself bristling at the veiled insult to Max.

******************

Max finally achieved sleep in the early hours, but it was fitful and full of the same fractured dreams of Millie and Irina. Both loathing him, he didn't much care about Irina but her sculpted features twisted cruelly before morphing into Millie, tear-streaked and devastated by his betrayal. He decided after waking, sweating and gasping for breath for the second time, that sleep was futile. He may as well be up and keeping busy, back at the station finding some lowlife to take out his aggression on, to keep the despair at bay. He'd become very good at that.

*********************

Finally dressed, Millie emerged from her room. "Okay. I'll come with you, but only if you are sure Jasper doesn't mind."

"He's fine about it, he's as concerned about you as I am."

"Well, I'm going in. I'll call you as soon as I've spoken to Sergeant Stone about taking some time off. Hopefully he won't ask too many questions."

"Just tell him you've got 'women's problems'. That scares the living daylights out of men in my experience."

"Yes, but I don't have the audacity that you do" Millie smiled weakly "I doubt I'd pull it off. I'll just stick to something close enough to the truth."

"Up to you but I'll drive you in." Becksy squeezed Millie's arm supportively. "You're going to be okay you know. Chin up".

********************

Millie was relieved to find Stone in his office shortly before the shift was due to start. He signalled her to enter and she closed the door behind her.

"Are you okay? You look awful"

Millie took a deep breath. "I know this is really short notice, but is there any chance I could take some leave?"

"How long?"

"A week".

"From when?"

"Today?"

"You're joking?" Stone stared at Mille but could clearly see that she wasn't joking, and she really did look terrible. He sighed disapprovingly but tapped away at his computer before looking up at her again. "You haven't taken any leave since last September, that's nearly … eight months." He looked at her curiously, wondering what had happened. She'd had a quiet spell late last year he recalled, but had been much more herself lately. "Is there anything I should know?" Millie shook her head, not trusting herself to speak more than was absolutely necessary. "Well, I suppose you must be exhausted and in need of some time off. Go. Don't even bother with today's shift, I don't think you'd be much use" the words were harsh, but said with a degree of warmth that she had never heard from Stone before. "I'll clear it with the Inspector."

"Thanks Sarge." Millie turned to leave the office but he called her back.

"Millie?"

"Yes Sarge?"

"Call me if you need to talk won't you?"

"Thanks Sarge, but honestly, I'm fine. Just really tired". She could tell he didn't believe her.

************************

Max had still a fair bit of paperwork to sort out, but he couldn't concentrate. None of it was important enough to take his mind away from Millie. He wandered over to the window, just to try to find a new perspective. Maybe he ought to go out for a bit, catch up with one or two informants, see what was going on that he could get stuck in to. The light blue VW Golf that came into view along the street and then swung round in front of the station with a certain degree of carelessness looked vaguely familiar. Racking his brain to remember whose car it was, he was surprised to see Millie stride from the door below him out towards it. A man got out and enveloped her into a bear hug that made his hackles rise. No one else has the right to do that, he thought savagely, but his anger was tempered with relief when the man looked round and he could see it was Jasper. Becksy's car, of course. But he was puzzled when Jasper climbed into the back and she got into the front passenger seat before the car drove off in the opposite direction to her flat. _Strange_, he thought, surely her shift had only just started, where was she going?


	8. Chapter 8

Max returned to his desk, but couldn't settle to anything. His fingers fiddled with his mobile anxiously. He needed to speak to her, had hoped he would be able to corner her in the station and make her agree to hear him out. He knew she wouldn't want to cause a scene on front of her colleagues so he would at least be able to get her alone. But now she had left with Becksy before her shift had even started, his hopes had been shot down. Should he text or call? Should he wait? Damn, he looked around at his busy colleagues briefly, if this lot had any idea the turmoil he was in, they'd all be on the floor laughing. Max Carter, unemotional to the point of callousness tied up in knots over a woman whom he knew he couldn't live without but who didn't want anything to do with him, and what's more he didn't know what to do next. He looked at the phone, wishing it could somehow tell him the answer, or ring, that would be perfect, perhaps she would ring. Now he knew he was grasping at straws. She wasn't going to ring him, he'd betrayed her, twice.

**********************************

Nearly three hours after leaving Canley Becksy drew up outside the lakeside house in Gloucestershire owned by Jasper's mother. A sleepy grunt emanated from the back seat at Jasper stirred to life.

"Are we there?"

"Yes, my love" confirmed Becksy looking back affectionately as she killed the engine.

It had been a largely silent journey on the motorway around London and out to the west. Millie stared mutely ahead, her groggy mind still too confused to be coherent and Becksy knew it best to leave her in peace for a while. The only sound had been the snoring in the back.

As all three got out of the car, Millie looked around, she had never been here before although she had heard plenty about it from Becksy. The early afternoon sky was clear and blue, reflecting calmly on the lake, trees dotted around the water's edge between wooden-built houses with wide verandas. It truly was an idyllic setting and she could see why Jasper regarded it as the only place he could be himself.

"Okay Mills?" he asked softly.

"Yes. I get what you mean about all this" she waved a hand gesturing at the scene around them.

"Only place I can breathe, glad you understand. I hope it helps". His normally dull eyes had come alive and his entire demeanour was altered. Gone was the sluggish lump who generally was found on Millie's sofa staring absently at the television screen, seemingly unaware of anyone else in the room. In his place was the man that Millie saw rarely, bright and relaxed, happy in himself. She watched him affectionately as she set about taking their bags into the little house from the car. He looked back at her. "Come on, I'll show you around". Millie smiled, oddly she did feel slightly better.

Millie unpacked her things and sat down on her bed, looking out the window across the water beyond. Beautiful, she thought, but on hearing giggles from the sitting room, she felt a pang of loneliness. If only life could be simple enough to have him here to share it with me. But that wasn't going to happen any time soon, if ever at all. She reflected on how she had really started to move on, not to the extent of actually going out on a date, but at least was thinking it might be possible. Now however, she was back to square one and couldn't imagine ever being with another man. He was everything she wanted, but everything she didn't at the same time.

********************************

Max hung around at work for as long as he could without it looking too obvious that he didn't want to go home. There wasn't anything for him there, just darkness. Slowly, he shut everything down and filed away the papers he had been working on. A short while later he found himself driving along Millie's road. He pulled up outside her apartment building and could see from the road that the flat was empty but that her car was there. However, Becksy's car wasn't, safe to assume they had gone off somewhere. This was driving him insane, he picked up his mobile and stared at it for a moment before scrolling down to 'M' for her personal number, hitting the green button before he could chicken out.

*******************************

Millie was still lying on her bed staring at the ceiling. She hadn't left her room since arriving at the house. She was so tired. Tired from fighting to keep herself together over the last seven months and for what? To have him turn up again in her life and expect to be able to waltz back into her arms? Her dejected thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of her mobile in her handbag. Wearily she let it ring for a moment, but concerned that it might be her parents, she reluctantly rose from the bed and dragged herself over to her bag to fish out her phone. She looked at the number blankly for a moment before realising who it belonged to and dropped the phone as if it had scalded her. In a fit of anger following his rejection of her, she had deleted him from her mobile, but his number still lingered in the depths of her mind. Millie let the call go to voicemail, there was no way she was going to answer but she couldn't resist taking the phone back to the bed with her, waiting to see if he would leave a message.

*************************

"Come on, please answer" Max muttered but all he got was the ring tone before going to an automated voicemail message. He cancelled the call, didn't know what to say in a message, wasn't actually sure what he would say if she did answer either. For a few minutes he stared out of the window, deliberating his next move. Taking a deep breath he decided he would do this, he'd faced tougher challenges than this, albeit none as important to him. He redialled.

*************************

Millie waited for the phone to tell her that there was a waiting message, but it didn't happen. She tried to curb her disappointment, angry at herself for wanting to hear his voice even though it would only start the tears again. She jumped slightly as the phone rang again, his number, so he'd chickened out the first time, a slight smile played on her lips. Again, she let it ring off and kicked herself for the earliest twinges of weakness.

*****************************

"Millie, it's me, but I guess you know that already. Listen, I don't blame you for not wanting to speak to me, but you don't know the whole story although it may not change your opinion of me much" he gave a bitter little laugh "please Millie, just call me back. Let me explain what happened."

***********************

Millie's phone beeped with the notification of a new voicemail message. She stared at it for a while, summoning the courage to listen. It would be only the second time she had heard his voice in seven months and she knew the devastating effect it would likely have on her. She chewed her lip anxiously, weighing up whether ignorance would be better but she couldn't stop her fingers pressing the buttons to retrieve the message, it was as if they had a will all of their own. As she heard his pleading, her tears welled once more. Why couldn't things be different, why couldn't he have stayed away? This was too painful. She blindly switched off her mobile and turned her cheek into her pillow, allowing the tears flow again until there was nothing left.

*******************

Max was aware how pathetic his message must have sounded. He hit the steering wheel in frustration, this wasn't happening. Rain started to fall in heavy drops on the windscreen and he looked out bleakly before slumping back against his seat, his head tipped back, eyes closed. The sound of the rain took him back to their first proper date, not just a drink after work, but a proper 'I want to take you out for dinner' date. That's when he really knew she was special, the connection was forged when she showed that away from the station, she wasn't in the least afraid to bait him, tease him a little. She poked fun at his cynicism, it made him smile and that made her smile. Yes, she was special and beautiful, what more could he want? He had insisted on walking her home, not with the intention of getting into her bed, although he wouldn't have refused if she had offered the opportunity. He was only a man after all. The rain started within minutes of leaving the restaurant and they had grinned at each other at their predicament before running for shelter, hand in hand. Max smiled as the memory played in his mind, Millie's white linen shirt was not suited to heavy rain and had become plastered to her skin within seconds, exquisitely showing her figure.

Back in the present, Max looked at his phone and redialled, it rang but again went to voicemail, he wasn't surprised. "It's me again. Do you remember that evening we got caught in the rain? I don't think I'd ever laughed so much, running like that and pulling you behind me. Wasn't so funny though when we got into the bus shelter, I remember how incredible you looked, so alive, rain streaming down your face, down your neck. We were both breathing so hard that we couldn't speak. I felt like I was really seeing you for the first time and when we kissed, oh Millie, I never knew anything could feel so right". The words were pouring out of him now, if she wouldn't talk to him, he could at least tell her what he was thinking, suddenly this was easy. "I remember holding you close, we were both soaked through, cradling your cheek, wiping away the rain. Your skin was so soft, still is I suppose, wish I could touch it now. Wish I could hold you now like I did then. Wish I could kiss you until nothing else exists, just you and me. How long was it before we realised that we had an audience in that bus shelter? Think we must have been putting on quite a show judging by the reactions we got. Probably a good thing that there were people watching, I didn't want to stop. Then we ran off again out into the rain, I felt like an irresponsible teenager, somehow you freed me of good sense that evening. Then back outside your flat, which incidentally is where I am now, watching your home like a stalker" the bitter laugh erupted again "we kissed again didn't we? This time though it was just us in the shadows. I wanted to feel you against me, it was as though I couldn't get you close enough, no matter how tightly I pulled you to me. There I was hoping, praying that you would invite me in. Every time your hands moved on my skin, in my hair, I just wanted you more and more, but you didn't seem to know what you were doing to me and when you pulled away to say that you had better go in, I didn't know which way was up. I just let you go".

Max shifted uncomfortably in his seat, the sound of the rain acting as soundtrack to his memory, arousing him just as he had been that evening. "How on earth did you manage to walk away? I couldn't believe your self-control, but you were right to make me wait. Made it all the sweeter in the end." He paused before finally adding quietly "please call me, Millie".


	9. Chapter 9

Max opened the door to his empty house. He was finding it hard to settle back in. Everything looked the same as when he'd left it, but it felt different. He'd packed away all references to Millie, partly because he knew his mother would be popping in to keep an eye on the place, but also because it had helped to separate from her. He hadn't thrown anything away though, what little he had was all safely boxed and hidden from view in his bedroom. Grabbing a bottle of vodka from the fridge, left there by his mother no doubt, together with a glass he headed upstairs.

After pouring himself a large drink he went straight to the box and after a moment's pause opened it. His heart constricted at the first thing he saw, a Polaroid photo of the two of them. Millie was smiling joyfully and looking straight at the camera but he was standing behind, nuzzling her neck with his arms wrapped round her body unaware of the photographer, her hands covering his. He remembered exactly when it had been taken. Becksy had just acquired the new Polaroid camera and was snapping anything and everything with great excitement. He and Millie had just returned from furniture shopping for his house, nothing particularly important but special nonetheless because they had been together. Max stared at the picture for several minutes, almost able to put himself back in time to that moment, feeling the intimacy, the relaxed happiness they had shared. He wanted it back, all of it.

Taking a swig of the cold vodka, its potency giving him the strength to put the picture aside, he looked through the remaining items. A couple more equally arresting photographs. Used theatre tickets for a play he had mostly yawned through but she had watched spellbound, his eyes spent more time surreptitiously watching her delight rather than the stage. His fingers next came upon a velvet hairband, of course her hair was now too short for it now. Crushing it in his hand, he grieved for the times where she would lay her head on his chest as he combed his fingers through her hair. Max downed the remainder of the vodka in his glass, hoping it would help to numb the torment. He leant back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling. Millie still hadn't acknowledged his message, but emboldened by the drink and mementos around him he felt the urge to try again.

This time when he rang, his call went straight to voicemail. "It's me, again. Shit, I don't know what else I can say to get you to talk to me. I'm not sure I know much about anything any more. I've even resorted to drinking vodka and you know how I hate the stuff, but it's the only thing in the house." He paused, aware that he was rambling. "Please give me a chance Millie, you've no idea what's happened and … and I need you." _Another rubbish message_, he thought but the vodka was taking effect and tiredness was beginning to set in. Stiffly pushing himself up from the floor, Max crossed the room to sink down onto the bed and close his eyes, his fingers still clutching the only piece of Millie that he had.

* * *

Millie woke the next morning, less groggy, but no less confused about how to handle all of this. She wrapped herself in an oversized cardigan and headed out onto the veranda where Becksy sat with her coffee and the Daily Mail, chuckling at the absurdity of its current headline. She looked up and gave Millie a little smile of encouragement. "Coffee?"

"Please" replied Millie as she sat down with her friend.

"Heard your phone last night. Was it him?" Millie nodded and placed her mobile on the table, now switched back on. "So? What did he say?"

"Just that he wanted to ring me in the first one. I couldn't bear to listen to the others so I don't know."

"The others?"

"It's showing two other messages, which I assume are from Max."

"Aren't you going to listen to them?" asked Becksy incredulously.

"Can't." Millie looked at her nervously and pushed the phone across the table. "You listen and tell me if there is anything I need to hear. If it's just the usual pleading stuff then it can wait until I'm up to it."

"Oh Millie, I'm not sure this is a good idea. What if it's personal, I mean really personal? He won't like it." Becksy suddenly checked herself. "Why do I care if he won't like it" picking up the phone "but are you really sure?" Millie nodded and Becksy sighed warily. Millie watched Becksy's reaction as she listened to the message, at first her brow furrowed as she struggled to make some sense of Max's words, before her eyes opened wide in surprise. Eventually she pressed the button to save the message before replacing the phone gingerly on the table.

"Well?" asked Millie.

"Well, I think he has lost it" Becksy answered after a brief pause. He's rambling about some night in the rain, making out with you in a bus shelter of all places, in front of a bunch of strangers before trying to get into your knickers outside the flat! Obviously those aren't quite his words, I'm paraphrasing but … ooh, I feel a bit, well, yuk. Almost like I've been watching you at it. Don't ever ask me to do that again Mills." Becksy shuddered while Millie stared at the phone blushing furiously. "Is any of it true? Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was our first date, you were away and by the time you got back, well everything had moved on."

"You mean he had moved in to your bed?"

"Yeah" replied Millie sheepishly.

"Bloody hell. For what it's worth, he sounds crap and either drunk or seriously on the edge. I'd never have imagined he could open up like that. Didn't think he was capable, too emotionally repressed frankly." Millie couldn't help feeling the urge to defend Max, even though Becksy had a point.

"He's not repressed" she muttered "just doesn't give much away, that's all."

"He's certainly giving away plenty in that message" Becksy retorted, gesturing to the phone "trust me, you need to hear it." She softened however at her friend's confused expression. "Listen, sure he's a bastard, but he's your bastard Millie. I don't know if you can forgive what he's done, but I do think you should hear him out, for your own sake at least. Jasper put me through hell for three years. How many times did I tell you that it was over, that he'd just gone a step too far? Every week I think. But he got help and as much of a shit he was, still can be actually, he is mine and I love him. It doesn't make me a walk-over, you know he pays dearly every time he fucks up, but the truth is, he does make me happy, most of the time anyway" she gave a little wry grimace. "Giving up on him would be like giving up on me as well" she paused "I suppose what I'm saying is, that if there is even the smallest part of you that loves Max, that wants to be with him, then you need to see if you can make it work, and the only way to find out is to listen to him. You said he looked destroyed when you threw him out, well maybe he's only just come to understand how badly he has treated you. Maybe, and I'm not justifying him for an instant, maybe he really believed he was doing the right thing. He is a man after all, they're incapable of thinking through the consequences of their actions."

"But he finished with me so that he could go on an undercover operation knowing he would sleep with another woman. He planned it so that he could do it guilt-free. What am I supposed to make of that? So what if I love him? He can't feel the same for me, despite all this" Millie waved at the phone. "I just don't know what to do Becksy. If I talk to him I know I'll give in."

"Oh Millie, you're going to have to face him sometime. May as well get on with it and start to move on, whatever you decide." Millie knew she was right, this wasn't going to go away.

A few hours of soul-searching later Mille made her decision. She wandered down by the water's edge and listened to Max's messages. What she heard nearly broke her and after a few moments where she attempted to reign in her emotions, she selected his number and dialled before she could change her mind.

*******************

Terry signed loudly in the passenger seat next to Max. They had barely exchanged a word in nearly two hours and Terry was getting sick of it.

"You're looking more murderous than usual. Anyone would think you weren't pleased to be back home." Max said nothing but slowly returned Terry's stare, his own clearly telling the older man to back off. Terry took the hint and raised his hands in token appeasement "just saying, that's all".

Max was just about to tell Terry exactly what he could do with his opinion when his phone broke into the tense atmosphere in the car. Hoping, but not expecting, that it would show 'M' on the display, he fished it out of his jacket pocket. When his head registered what his eyes were seeing, that it was indeed Millie's number his heart started racing. Mutely, he stared at the flashing phone.

"Are you going to answer that or just watch it?"

"Umm, yeah" and to Terry's bewilderment, Max got out of the car.

"Hello".

"Hi, it's me".

"I know. Where are you?"

"Gloucestershire."

"Where?"

"Gloucestershire. Jasper has a place here."

"Oh" Max vaguely remembered something said about that, but he probably hadn't been paying attention. "How are you?"

"How do you think?" Millie replied, more harshly than she intended, but probably more honestly, Max winced. "I got your messages" she continued, her tone softening slightly. "I've never heard you like that Max."

"Yeah, well. I've never been in a position like this before."

"We should talk I guess".

"I'd like that. When?"

"Well, I'm here until after the weekend, so …"

Max looked at his watch. "I'm on an obbo right now and I'm scheduled for a raid at midnight, but I can be with you by about six? We can talk before I have to get back.

"Oh, right, today?" Millie was flustered by his eagerness although she couldn't help feeling disappointed that he was slotting her in between jobs. She still wasn't coming first in his life, no matter how he'd sounded in his messages.

"Please Millie".

"Umm, well I guess that's okay. I suppose I can get Jas to email directions to you".

"Great. Millie, I …" but Millie cut him off before he could continue.

"I'll see you later Max" and ended the call, she simply didn't trust herself to keep it together for a moment longer.

Max closed his eyes and exhaled in relief. She hadn't sounded at all certain about seeing him today, but at least he now had some real hope. It was therefore a different Max Carter leapt back into the car, bursting with energy and thoroughly puzzling Terry.

"Right, this is pointless" we're going back to the station. "I've told the DI we're on our way in".

"But hang on, you were the one who insisted we watch this place".

"Well, maybe I was wrong" noting Terry's surprise at such an admission "it can happen you know, even to the best of us. Go, drive".

"Good news then?" Terry asked starting the engine.

"Yeah, best I've had in a long time" he replied ambiguously. "Come on Terry, what are you waiting for? Drive".

They arrived back at the station a short while later, Max clearly anxious to get inside. Terry wondered what on earth that call had been about to turn his mood so suddenly and even more so when after checking his inbox he told Terry that he had to go out for a few hours but that if anyone asked he'd be back in time for the raid later that night.


	10. Chapter 10

Shortly before six o'clock, Max pulled up to the lakeside house having followed Jasper's directions. There was no sign of Becksy's car, but walking round to the back of the house, he saw Jasper lounging on the veranda with coffee in one hand and tapping away at a laptop with the other.

"Hey" Jasper greeted Max laconically. "They'll be back in a few minutes", he motioned for Max to sit at the other reclining chair next to him. It wasn't much but Max thought that those were the only words he had ever heard Jasper speak. Then, just as Max sat down, Jasper spoke again. "Millie is my mate, closest I have to a sister. If you ever fuck her up again, I swear I will come looking for you". The two men stared at each other, neither willing to look away first. Max suddenly understood Becksy's comment the other evening about setting Jasper on him and how looks could be deceiving, nothing of the Labrador about him now. Their eye contact was broken only when a car pulled up to the side of the house and Max was given his get-out. He swiftly stood and waited for Millie to appear up the steps. If he had been nervous two days ago, he was beside himself now.

Hands shoved deep into his pockets to hide his shaking, he listened to the girls' voices as they drew nearer. Becksy appeared first, she gave him a small smile but looked at him warily, distastefully even. He supposed he deserved that, Millie had probably told her everything. Millie followed her friend. She was dressed simply, dark jeans and an oatmeal coloured deep v-neck jumper. It would have been unremarkable if it weren't for the neckline slipping down over one shoulder, revealing a delicate strap and the sweep of her neck down to her shoulder, exposed by her shortened hair. Almost as if she could sense his desire to feel the smoothness of her skin against his lips, she shrugged the jumper up onto her shoulders, but it was a futile effort and it slipped once again.

"Hi."

"Hi. You found the place okay?" It was just nervous small talk.

"Yeah, good directions, thanks Jasper" he looked behind him. Jasper gave him a look which clearly said that he wished he'd given wrong directions. Millie and Max stood uneasily for a moment before both speaking together.

"Shall we go …"

"We should …"

They stopped awkwardly, Max waited for her to speak.

"Let's go for a walk."

Max simply nodded.


	11. Chapter 11

They walked along the edge of the lake on a path just about wide enough for two, but it meant that they brushed against each other frequently. Both keenly felt the fleeting moments of physical contact but each time, Millie pulled away. After a few minutes they reached a clearing with a couple of picnic tables, looking out over the lake. Millie sat down and looked up at Max who remained standing.

"Jasper spoke to me. He's never spoken to me before, except for the occasional grunt."

"He does speak you know" responded Millie tartly. "Actually he's very articulate, just doesn't waste it where he feels it's undeserved." Max felt the barb but allowed it to pass over him. He wouldn't be distracted into arguing over someone so wholly unconnected to his future. They lapsed into silence once again.

"So" she said finally "you wanted to talk?" Max looked down towards her. It had seemed so easy to tell her that he wanted to explain what had happened, but now they were here, he didn't know where to start.

"It's no good going quiet on me now. You've just skipped out of work and driven three hours because you wanted to talk."

"I know that" he snapped in frustration, she closed her eyes and turned her face away at his retort. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like that. Just don't know where to begin, it's all such a mess."

"How about starting with why you decided to finish with me in favour of your career" she suggested bitterly.

"That's not how it was Millie" he was fighting to remain in calm, but she was goading him.

"Oh no? Well that's exactly how it looks from where I'm sitting. So go on, please do explain otherwise."

"Things aren't always as simple as they seem you know. Sometimes situations just get out of control." Millie just stared at him, the contempt evident in her eyes. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea, maybe too much has happened". Max didn't believe that, but he did wonder if she deserved to be put through all this, perhaps he should just walk away and let her get on with her life. He could try to do the same. He turned away from her and took a few steps towards the water.

"It's all about you isn't it?" she called after him. "Always about you and what you think is best. Have you ever, ever stopped to think about how you affect other people? People you work with, people you are supposed to be helping, even, and God forbid I should take up too much of your life, me? Have you ever considered the damage you do to others?" The bitterness was pouring from her now. "I have had to pick up the pieces of my life after your decision to leave. One day all is great and then the next you tell me it's over and disappear, but that's okay because I'm expendable. Just an episode that you can move on from without a backward glance. And here you go again, walking away because it suits you."

"You have no idea what you are talking about Millie" he moved back towards her so that they were just a yard or two apart. "You have no idea what I've been doing, the things I've seen and been part of. You are wrong if you think that I don't understand the damage I've caused to countless people, you are just one of them". He hadn't meant to be defensive, but she couldn't be further from the truth and her poor opinion of him was fuelling his frustration at not being able to control any of this.

"Oh well, that makes me feel special. Although I suppose it's a comfort to know that I'm not alone, perhaps we could all get together and form a little self-help group, 'The Survivors of Max Carter'. Has a certain ring to it don't you think?" At this he pulled her up from her seat sharply and held her tightly by her upper arms.

"Don't push me Millie".

"Or what Max? What will you do? What can you do to me that you haven't already done? How could you possibly hurt me any more than you already have? Hit me? I'd hope that even you would draw the line at that" she glared at him mutinously but was surprised by the ferocity lighting his eyes. Gradually however, the heat dissipated and he slowly relaxed his grip on her. Without his support she stumbled backwards slightly although he didn't appear to notice.

"That's the problem Millie, I don't know where the line is anymore. Crossed it too often lately for it to make any sense. I don't think I could hit you, but then I didn't think I could do half the things I've done." He sank to the bench where she had been sitting moments before.

"What are you talking about?" Millie sat astride on the bench next to him but keeping her distance.

Max looked up at her before turning his gaze back to the serenity of the water. "I found out just before I went that they, the unit at Scotland Yard heading up the operation that is, had been watching me for months, assessing whether I would be right for the job before approaching me. Turned out that they particularly liked my attitude, apparently they liked that I didn't let emotion get in the way of getting results and didn't seem to be concerned if anyone got burnt in the process." He laughed wryly. "At least someone approves. I met with my handler several times in London, she …"

"She?"

"Caroline. Now if you think I'm a piece of work, then you really don't want to mess with her. Each meeting she'd tell me a bit more about it all, drip-feeding information about the characters involved, the scale of the corruption, deals that were thought to be going on, that sort of thing. It wasn't until the last one that she told me the start had been brought forward to two days later and that there was a new development. She showed me a picture of a woman they now believed to be at the centre and that it would be my job to get as close as possible to her. I didn't think anything of it until Caroline made it clear that meant sleeping with the woman to gain her complete trust and dependency. I didn't know what to say, I mean, it was out of the blue. Then she said I should end my relationship with you to avoid conflicting interests which would jeopardise the operation, that's exactly how she put it, never forget those words. I hadn't even mentioned our relationship, that's when I realised just how closely they'd been watching me."

"So you just did it? If this 'Caroline' had told you to jump off a cliff, would you have done that as well?"

"It wasn't like that. I know it doesn't make sense now, but at the time, I was so caught up that I just ended up going along with it. Besides, I suppose there was an element that our relationship was scaring me, I didn't see it at the time, but it's the only reason I can think of for agreeing to it all."

"How was our relationship scaring you Max? I was hardly pushing you for a joint mortgage, marriage and kids. We were just happy, doing stuff, going places. I mean, I didn't even mind that we kept everything secret, didn't bother me at all, it was kind of nice actually, made being together more special" she finished quietly.

"That's what I mean. I was starting to want more but it still terrified me. I wanted people to know about us, but somehow that seemed just as much a commitment as mortgage, marriage and kids. So I took the easy way out, convinced myself that I had to take on this operation because there wasn't anyone else who could do it. I told myself that I had been building my career for years to get to this point, to be given an opportunity like this and not to take it would be a mistake." He laughed self-mockingly. "You know, I even managed to believe that you would accept it and still be here for me at the end".

"Accept it? Are you mad?"

"I think I'm heading that way". They sat quietly for a minute or so while each tried to come to terms with what Max had said. Finally Millie took a deep break before breaking the silence.

"Okay, so that's why you did it, but I still don't understand what else you did that you say is so dreadful."

"I had to be one of them Millie. It took a few weeks to get into what was going on, but once I did it was full on." He decided against telling her about his initiation into Irina's world with the syringe of heroin, didn't want her to feel sorry for him. "I beat a man half to death for being late with his loan repayments, watched as women were paraded in front of buyers to be sold into prostitution and did nothing to stop it. God knows who else has suffered because of something I did out there."

Millie shook her head with confusion. "I don't understand, what do you mean you beat a man half to death?"

"He owed Irina money".

"Who is Irina?"

"She was my target."

Millie bit her lip, willing herself not to pass comment or ask questions about the woman Max had slept with. Now was not the time, no matter how much she wanted to harangue him, to demand details that she knew would only hurt them both.

"She was the lynchpin in the entire network, without her it didn't function. She made Caroline look like an amateur in terms of callousness." He took a deep breath, this was going to be difficult. "One morning, she asked me to take care of a small problem for her, that's how she described it him. This guy, just a low level dealer, was late with his payments to her, she wanted to make an example of him and show the Warsaw underworld that she had a new British cop on her side, prepared to hand out some serious punishment. So, later that day, Kuba, one of her guys, and I went to the dealer's flat, dragged him out and took him to a basement where, well just as I said, I think I nearly killed him." Max said the last words quietly. "Kuba had to pull me away. He even told me how impressed he was." Max stared down at his hands as if he couldn't imagine they were capable of the violence that they clearly were. "I know I've killed before, but I was always in control and somehow that made it different, I've never questioned myself about that. But this time, I wasn't in control at all, I don't even remember most of it, just his blood on my hands and his unconscious body."

"What happened to him?"

"Kuba arranged for him to be dumped outside a hospital, Irina didn't want him dead, she just wanted to show how strong she was. He recovered from that although with his way of life, I expect he is dead by now anyway."

They remained in silence for a few moments, digesting Max's admission.

"I can see that's all pretty bad, but I guess you had to maintain your cover. Sounds like you succeeded."

"Oh yeah, I was good at that. And if that's all there was, I suppose I could let it go, but there's a lot more. Do you want to know?" He looked at her and his uncharacteristic vulnerability made her heart ache, in spite of her better judgement. "If I tell you more, you'll never be able to forget it. I'll certainly never forget." Millie struggled with his question, perhaps ignorance would be easier in the short term, but not knowing what was eating away at him would ultimately destroy any chance they might have together and she knew in her heart that's what she wanted.

"Tell me Max. I can't guarantee how I'll feel about it or you, but I need to know what is going on in here" her fingers briefly ran through his hair and he leaned into her touch as if it would heal him. Nervously, Millie drew away and clasped her hands together in her lap.

Her touch gave him some measure of hope. "I told you that part of this setup involved prostitution, people-trafficking. I knew it was going on and I knew Irina provided the contacts for the women to be moved around Eastern Europe and eventually into the UK. It took a while, but eventually she trusted me enough to tell me when the next 'exchange of goods' would take place. We both know what goes on Millie, we've seen the women and girls who get sucked into all this, but I'd never seen where it begins. The first time was sickening. Maybe half a dozen women, some were girls no more than seventeen or eighteen, herded into a warehouse where two men made their choices and agreed prices with Irina. All I could do was stand by and watch. Some of the girls just stared as if they were barely alive, but one of them, I don't know if somehow she could see that I wasn't as comfortable as the others, she kept looking at me, trying to get my attention, maybe hoping that I would help her. But I couldn't, or wouldn't, I don't know which. I'll never forget watching her being forced into the back of a van, still looking at me, blaming me for what was about to happen to her. I don't know what did happen to any of them. I tried to get Caroline to track them down and somehow get them out, but she wasn't interested, she made it clear that I had to attend as many of these exchanges as possible to gather intelligence. So, that's what I did, and do you know, each time it got easier to detach from it all, I stopped thinking of the girls as being human beings, daughters, sisters, some maybe even mothers. What does that make me?"

Millie sat in stunned silence. She couldn't have imagined this was what he had witnessed and dealt with for weeks, months even. Despite his well-earned ruthless reputation and her earlier cutting words, she didn't believe him to be inhuman, but to have allowed possibly dozens of women into a life of hell that would most likely end in drug addiction and death shook her belief in him. How could he possibly have borne it?

"Does it make me one of them Millie?" he asked the question while staring out across the water, hoping to find some solace in its tranquillity.

"No, it doesn't" she responded gently after a short pause. Somehow the damage he had done to her paled beside the damage he had inflicted on himself during his time in Poland. She would recover, almost had, but would he? "If you were evil as them you wouldn't be here now. What you did might just have saved the lives of many more."

"Even at the cost of those women?"

"I don't know Max, but that's what you have to believe isn't it?" Millie shifted closer to him and tentatively placed her cheek on his shoulder while resting a hand on the back of his neck. She closed her eyes as he leaned in towards her, accepting her warmth and the support from her body. Millie in turn inhaled the smell of him, once so familiar, triggering long buried memories. She nuzzled in closer and snaked her arm beneath his around his waist, she didn't know what else she could say to him, it just seemed right to hold him. She considered how he used to hold her after she had a bad day, when she had arrived at a victim's side too late to stop an attack or seen yet another criminal sent back out onto the streets for lack of evidence. She had gained comfort and the determination to carry on from him, from the strength of his body and his belief in her that she had earned the hard way. He had always been so vital, so self-reliant that she could never have imagined that he would ever need her for reassurance.

"How did it all end?" She asked eventually.

"Irina was setting up an arms deal. Really it was out of her league and by then I'd isolated her from all her usual guys, so there was just me. I'd convinced her that some weren't up to the job, others were just waiting to cut her out of the network because she was a woman in a man's world. That made her mad, it was a good tactic, Caroline's suggestion in fact. Anyway, the deal was set. She and the others were caught in the trap we put together but it didn't go to plan. There was a firefight and she realised whose side I was on. I had no choice, she would have killed me so I shot her, dead."

"Did you feel anything for her?"

"I hated her. Hated her for what she was and what I had become, for the things I had done. It was easier to blame her than take responsibility for it myself."

"But, didn't you feel any kind of affection for her? You and she were …" Millie couldn't bring herself to say the word _lovers_, but Max understood well enough.

"No, she was nothing to me" he said in little more than a whisper as if wondering how he had ever managed to convince the world otherwise.

They sat silently, their bodies melded together in a mutual need for comfort, each deep in their own thoughts. Millie absently slowly traced circles in his hairline at the nape of his neck, her fingers instinctively knowing how to soothe him. Max relaxed under her sensual ministrations, not wanting to end the unexpected intimacy, but needing to look at her, to know what she thought of him now. He shifted his body round, forcing Millie to lift her head from his shoulder although her hand remained on his neck, keeping her close to him. Her eyes were downcast, her lips parted slightly. It was as if an irresistible force was pulling them together. He dipped his head, his mouth just a hairs-breadth away from hers, his heartbeat hammering in his head.


	12. Chapter 12

"No, Max. I can't. I can't do this". Millie shifted back on the bench and stood quickly. If she stayed close to him any longer she knew she wouldn't be able to stop herself or him. She had to get away, put some distance between them. She hurried to the edge of the water, hoping it would lend her some of its calm. Wrapping her arms around herself she dared to look back at Max, he had remained seated but was leaning forward, watching her intently. "Too much has happened for us to pick up where we were, Max" the emotion was rising in her voice "surely you understand that?" He stood and walked towards her, stopping a couple of feet away so that she wouldn't feel crowded.

"Yes, I do understand, but I need you Millie and I'm willing to do anything to prove to you that we are worth another chance. I know I hurt you and I wish I could go back and do everything differently but I can't. All I can do it try to make you understand …" he trailed off as inadequacy overwhelmed him.

"Understand what?" Millie prompted in a whisper.

Max looked at her so intensely that she felt as though he was reaching into her soul. "That I'm nothing without you."

"That's not true Max" she lifted a hand to his cheek, her thumb caressing his stubble roughened skin. It was useless to pretend any longer that she wouldn't have him back. Of course she would, but it had to be on terms she could live with. "You said that you would do anything to prove to me that we should try again?" Max nodded mutely, but sceptically wondered what was coming next. "I can't be your emotional crutch. You've got so much to deal with and work through and I can't live my life in torment while you do that. It wouldn't work, you keep too much in here" she placed her other hand on his chest "and I don't believe you'd ever let me in. You need to see someone who can really help you."

Max looked at her quizzically for a moment before realising what she was asking him to do. "Do you mean see a shrink?"

"Maybe not a shrink, but a counsellor or some sort of therapist". Millie watched him recoil in horror, just as she had anticipated, but undeterred she continued. "It's not an admission of weakness to talk to someone you know." Max took a step back, as though she had slapped him. "It shows strength Max", her voice tinged with desperation as he withdrew from her.

"Oh no. No, no, no. I don't need to see anyone. I was made to do that in the past, didn't need to then, I don't need to now."

"Listen to me Max. I've seen how the past can tear someone apart, until there's almost nothing left. I don't want that to happen to you." Max looked away from her, trying to block out what she was saying. "Or us." That got his attention, as Millie had hoped. "I've seen how counselling can make all the difference." She paused, grappling with how to convince him to listen to her. "You know how Jasper never spoke to you? Well that's because he feels threatened by you and it makes him angry. His way of coping is to back right away. He told me once that there is something about you that reminds him of his father, the detached way in which you see the world, as if it should bend to your will. His father used to physically abuse his mother and made him watch. She left in the end and Jas ended up in one boarding school after another, I don't know how many times he was expelled for being violent. He finally met Becksy in the last one though and for a while he was calmer. But after they moved to London he got worse. Drinking, drugs I think, Becksy has always kept those details sketchy. She stayed with him for years, covering up to her parents, sorting out the mess he made of his life, pulling him out of one fight after another, taking him to hospital to get patched up." Millie noticed Max's suddenly concerned expression and shook her head. "No, he's never shown any violence towards either Becksy or me. But the point is that she couldn't help him fight his past and until she managed to convince him to get help, he was only heading one way. It took so long to get to that point, so much wasted time, so much pain. I don't want that, Max."

"It's an interesting story, but Jasper is nothing like me. I don't need that kind of help."

"But Max …"

"I said no, Millie." His voice brimmed with finality on the subject.

"Well, I suppose that shows you haven't changed much after all." Millie's tone turned flat.

"What do you mean?"

"When you said that you would do anything, I should have known that what you actually meant was that you would say anything to get what you want. That's your style isn't it? All about what you want. This isn't going to work if you can't recognise that and right now, I don't believe you ever will." She turned away, her bitter disappointment in him palpable.

"Wait. I just don't see what the point would be. I just need to be with you, get back to how we were. I know it won't be easy, I know how much I got to do to make it up to you, to convince you that I'm so sorry."

"And how do you think you're going to do that? Send me flowers, chocolates? What? If we stand the slightest chance, then I need to know that you are not going to walk out on me the next time you get scared. You need to know why you did that so you don't do it again, and you'll never do that on your own. Then there's all the Poland stuff …"

"Then you help me Millie. I don't need anyone else, I love …"

"Stop, don't say that" Millie wailed in anguish, the tears brimming as she looked up to the sky. "I don't want to hear it. I can't trust what you say to me." She paused for a moment to collect herself before looking back to him. "You don't get it do you? I can't be your emotional crutch" she repeated. "I won't live my life in torment while you go into self-destruct mode."

"I'm not going to self-destruct. Not if I have you to keep me sane."

"No? Have you forgotten what you've just been telling me? How can you expect me to be able to deal with all that? I'm sorry Max, you said you would do anything to prove yourself to me, well this is what you have to do. I won't back down." She gave a little disbelieving laugh "once again, the decision, the choice is all yours."


	13. Epilogue pt 1

Quarter to seven, he checked his watch. Half an hour early, no way she would be ready yet. He smiled, just as he had planned. He wanted to catch her off guard, to try to break down the remaining formality that still existed between them. Normally when he collected her she was dressed and ready to go, so no need to invite him in. He hadn't seen the inside of her flat since she had told him to get out months ago. Plenty of dates since then of course, but none at either her place or his, strictly on neutral territory and it was wearing thin. He guessed she would still be defensive, but surely she wouldn't make him wait outside while she finished getting ready to go out.

It was Nate and Becky's engagement party that night. Most of Sun Hill would be there, together with one or two from the past. He normally wouldn't have been interested, but Millie was determined to go and although they couldn't be together there, he would at least see her, might even be able to chat with her a bit without arousing too much suspicion if they were careful. Having already let himself through the pedestrian security gate, he bounded confidently up the half flight of steps to Millie's flat and pressed the doorbell. A few seconds later a surprised Millie answered. "You're early! I'm not ready."

"Well I'd hope you weren't planning on turning up to a party looking like that, although …" he grinned at her suggestively. Millie scowled at him, he'd done this on purpose and she knew it. He had been looking for reason to get back into her flat and while she wasn't worried so much about that, she was concerned that she wouldn't have the resolve not to let him back into her bed. He really was just too damned irresistible and while they were in public she was safe, although it really was only a matter of time. "Are you going to let me in or do I have to stand here while you dry your hair?" he looked up to her towel wrapped hair and then down to the white cotton robe that she tugged around her body self-consciously.

"I suppose you had better come in" she muttered, standing back to allow him through the door, "but you can sit there and wait" she pointed to the cream leather sofa. "Help yourself to anything" she added as she turned back to her bedroom "food or drink I mean" noticing that his raised eyebrows indicated something clearly very different had crossed his mind.

Millie sat down on her bed staring at herself in the mirror. Dare she do this? She normally dressed pretty conservatively but looking across at the dress hanging in front of her wardrobe she made up her mind. She quickly dried her hair, allowing it fall into thick waves, then loosely clipped back the top section away from her face leaving some tendrils free. Millie applied her make-up as Becksy had taught her earlier. Generally a fan of the fresh-faced look, Becksy had insisted that this dress demanded more and had shown her how to kohl her eyes and darken her lips. The effect was striking, a little scary even, but good. Very good, she felt unusually powerful behind this mask.

Max grabbed a can from the fridge and settled down on the sofa. An ipod was docked in the speakers on a side table and he flicked it on to the last track played, Garbage's Bad Boyfriend. _Apt_, he thought wryly. He rested his head back on the sofa, listening to the music wondering since when was she into anything like this, maybe it was Becksy's. Of course, he mused, Millie Brown had a talent for surprising him.

The last time he was here he'd only been able to look around quickly, but it had been enough to note the changes. The place still looked the same as then as far as he could tell and that still irked him. He still hankered after the life he had before his undercover assignment in Poland, even though he knew it wasn't possible to erase the past. He had to live with the past and accept the changes that had happened in his absence.

Max had come a long way since meeting Millie at Jasper's lakeside house nearly four months earlier. He'd been floored by her insistence that if they were to even have a chance of being together that he would have to see a counsellor to work through the torments in his head. But now, he could barely believe that he had so nearly refused and lost her. Of course, he had hated every minute of the first few sessions, hardly saying anything. The counsellor had even questioned what he was doing there, his resistance was so strong. He'd also behaved badly towards Millie after each session because she would only see him afterwards, as if she were giving a treat to a dog for good behaviour. He'd resented it and more than once announced that he wouldn't go again, that it was a waste of his time. The Millie Brown he thought he knew would have shrunk away and been upset but let him get away with it, instead she lashed back out at him. Sometimes cruelly reminding him that he needed her more than she needed him, that she was only trying to help him and if it wasn't what he wanted he could always go and find someone to fuck his troubles away with, after all that's what he'd done before wasn't it? Her stinging blow would inevitably bring him back to his senses and reluctantly he would return to the counsellor, just like a dog with its tail between its legs. Before long, it became part of his routine and he felt less of a failure for being there, eventually recognising that it was helping. He didn't know why he was taken aback at that, Millie's judgement was usually on the nail. For the first time in years, he was sleeping for longer than four hours a night and actually, to his own surprise, felt sharper for it. His dreams which had been tortured for months were starting to subside. He now rarely woke in a cold sweat gripping frantically at the sheets which on more than one occasion had had him reaching for the phone, just to hear Millie's gentle voice knowing that it would soothe him. Of course, he'd never told her why he'd called, only that he was awake and wanted to know what she was doing, just to pass the time. Luckily each time she'd been on a night shift so hadn't thought him completely demented.

Her make-up complete, Millie took the emerald green sequinned mini-dress down from its hanger. The sequins were sharp beneath her fingers and glinted dramatically in the light. She quickly slipped it on and pulled the zip up to the top but the hook and eye catch was too fiddly, she'd have to ask Max to do it. Millie groaned inwardly at the thought, she imagined how he would sweep her hair out of the way, how he would stand so close that she would feel his breath on her bared neck, how his fingers would skim her skin as he fastened the catch, perhaps he would seal it with the lightest of kisses. Drifting away with such intoxicating images, Millie stared at herself in her mirror. Becksy was right, the dress was perfect. Short almost to the point of indecency, but the shallow scoop neck and short sleeves gave it a degree of demure modesty. The look was completed by a pair of fierce-looking suede high heeled ankle boots, which Millie could only hope wouldn't cripple her. She grabbed a small clutch bag and filled it with a few essentials. Taking one last look in the mirror she straightened her shoulders, raised her chin assertively and strode out into the sitting room.

Max was reclining on the sofa with his eyes closed when she walked into the room. Millie wondered for a moment if he was asleep, he looked so peaceful. She gripped her bag tightly to stop herself from reaching out to run her fingers up the line of his neck, over his jaw and brush his lips with a feather-like touch. As if Millie's thoughts had somehow entered his mind, Max swallowed and opened his eyes. He looked at her warmly but his expression rapidly grew heated as he took in her appearance. The vision of her in the snugly fitting dress, giving way to seemingly never ending legs encased in black and finished with those boots threatened to blow his mind. It had never mattered to him what she wore, in truth he preferred her wearing nothing at all, but if she had to wear clothes, this would be his choice. Silently, he pushed himself off the sofa to stand in front of her.

"You look incredible Millie" he whispered, never feeling quite so wrong-footed in his life. He'd intended to be the seducer, to fluster her, but instead she had completely turned the tables on him, whether she knew it or not.

Millie looked at him with wide eyes, struggling to regulate her breathing. "Thanks … I need … umm … can you fasten the catch on my zip?" she turned her back to him but kept her head to one side so that she could just about see him out of the corner of her eye. Max hesitated for a moment, worried that if he touched her now, he might not be able to stop and then either they'd never make it out or she would throw him out, again. His eyes travelled down to the base of the zip and gently pressed his thumbs to it. As if they had a will of their own, he continued the pressure up her spine. Millie gave a small noise of sensual delight, arching her back, as the pressure reached her shoulder blades. Max stopped momentarily, savouring her pleasure before finding the catch beneath her hair. Just as she had imagined, he lifted her hair away, fastened the catch and pressed his lips to her nape. Through her breathless haze, she smiled, she knew him too well.

Slowly she turned back to face him, knowing what would happen next. His kiss would have taken her breath away, had she been breathing in the first place. Desperate longing had overtaken her mind since his first touch and she had forgotten to breathe, leaving her dizzy, silver flashes dancing before her eyes.

Had it not been for the horn of the taxi waiting at the gates, Max and Millie might never have made it to the party at all.

"We can finish this later" whispered Millie into his ear. Max looked at her questioningly, not daring to hope that his plan had worked. "Come back here afterwards" she continued.

"Are you sure? I don't want to play games anymore."

"I haven't been playing games Max, I just wanted to be certain about us."

"And are you? Certain?"

Millie nodded although she still wasn't completely sure, but she was sure that she was ready to take the risk, that he was worth it.

"Say it Millie. Say yes you are sure, because once this happens, there won't be any going back, not for me at least." The rawness in his voice wiped away her lingering doubts.

"Yes."

"You won't change your mind later?"

"No."

The taxi sounded its horn again.


	14. Epilogue pt 2

"Keeping something quiet, love?" chuckled the taxi driver. Max had given Millie a lingering kiss followed by a cheeky grin as he got out of the taxi a short distance away from the pub. Millie could only murmur a non-committal reply while they continued on to the pub itself. She could see Max approaching on foot as she got out of the cab, the driver winking at her conspiratorially. She gave him a rather uncomfortable smile and hurried into the party, ensuring just enough distance between Max and her to avoid any wagging tongues.

* * *

It was torture being in the same room but not being able to be together. They had a reputation for not seeing eye-to-eye at work, so it would have looked strange if suddenly they started propping up the bar with one another, but that didn't stop the furtive glances across the room. Besides, Beth had made a beeline for Max and wasn't letting go. Millie had to work hard to suppress a smile when she looked over, he was clearly uninterested in what she was saying but Beth was too tipsy to notice. Millie stood with Mel and Sally, but barely listening to them. She looked around the room, wondering why it was that of all the men at Sun Hill that she could have fallen for, that it had to be Max. Ben, Will, Leon, even Nate before the arrival of Becky. All lovely guys, great to work with, friends for life she hoped. But not one of them had ever ignited her interest.

Sweet, caring, gentle. There wasn't a soul in this room, or anywhere else for that matter, who could ever use those words to describe Max, except her. She also knew him to be intense, sensual and powerful with the ability to possess her mind, body and soul. She suspected that he underestimated the hold he had over her because he'd been so hurt when in the past she told him that he needed her more than she needed him. Of course, none of that had been true. She had only wanted to unleash on him just a little of the pain she had experienced at his hands, but the sight of him wounded by her words had cut her to the core and she wished that she could have taken them back the minute they had left her lips. She hated to think that he might have believed her, even for a moment. So brash and arrogant towards the rest of the world, she knew the vulnerability that lay beneath.

Max watched impassively as a guy sidled up to Millie. She was talking to Sally, but within a few minutes Sally had wandered off, leaving Millie alone with him. They appeared to be chatting amiably until the man touched her arm. It wasn't an overt gesture, but signalled cleat intent. Max felt the fury rise within. The man was coming on to Millie and so far, she hadn't brushed him away. Millie smiled at something he said and leaned her head into his to listen more closely.

"Would you like to go somewhere for a drink, somewhere a bit quieter?" Dave asked. Millie looked at him, suddenly aware of his intentions.

"Oh, I … umm, no. Thanks, but that wouldn't be a good idea. I'm … er" Millie looked around nervously but Dave was blocking her view.

"I get it. You've got a boyfriend."

"Well, sort of" replied Millie quietly, hoping no one else could hear.

"Sort of?"

"Um, yes. I have a boyfriend."

"You really don't sound very sure Millie."

"We've a difficult time, but we're working through it. Taking things slowly, haven't really told anyone."

"Really? Is he worth it?"

"Yes, he's worth it."

Dave smiled at her ruefully. "Well, I know when to back off and I know we've only just met but I like you. You're special. I hope he realises that, but in case he doesn't, would you call me? Please?" Dave produced a card from his wallet and pushed it into Millie's hand. She knew she ought to refuse it, but to do so would have been callous. All she need do was take it then excuse herself politely and kindly. Hesitantly she closed her fingers around the card and gave him a small smile.

"I've umm, got to … er" she mumbled as she edged away from him. As she did, she realised that Max was watching them both, his expression unreadable. Beth stood by his side still twittering away, still unaware that he wasn't listening. Their eyes met briefly before she ducked out of his line of sight and out of the bar.

Max watched Millie walk out of the room, as she retreated from view he became aware of the relentless chattering next to him. Beth still appeared to be telling him how unrewarding her job in witness protection was proving to be, far less exciting than she had hoped. Mid-sentence however, Max interrupted. "Sorry Beth, I've got to make a call" and with that he left her standing open-mouthed and indignant at being brushed off.

Max followed Millie and watched as she disappeared into the ladies. He looked around, luck was on his side as he noticed a deep unlit alcove just a short distance along. Tucking himself just inside he waited, hoping she would emerge alone, although he wasn't altogether sure what he was going to do if and when he caught her. He didn't have long to wait and as she started to walk towards the bar he sprang forward and grasped her arm, pulling her backwards. Instinctively Millie resisted and swung round with her free hand raised to deliver a forceful blow when Max caught it and dragged her back into the dark alcove.

"What do you think you are doing?" she hissed. "Somebody will see us!"

"I was going to ask you the same question."

"What?" Millie was confused.

"Who is he?"

"Who?"

"You know who I mean. Who is he? You seemed to be getting on pretty well."

"Oh, you mean Dave?"

"Yeah. Dave." Max didn't try to hide his contempt for the other guy.

"He's an old friend of Nate's, from school I think he said."

"He was coming on to you."

"I know that. Apparently I'm an attractive woman." Millie was teasing him and found herself enjoying it.

"I know that" Max repeated her words with the slightest of smiles, he realised he was being played.

"Mr Carter … are you … jealous?" She spoke the provocative words softly into his ear. Her body pressed against his lightly, the heat rising in his, inciting him into holding her tighter in a vain attempt to satisfy his craving.

"Should I be jealous? Are … could you be interested in him?" He tried to keep his tone light, matching her banter but there was concern in his voice.

"I could ask the same of you and Beth."

"Beth. Why?" It was Max's turn to be confused.

"She's been stuck to your side almost all evening."

"Have you been watching me? Are you jealous Miss Brown?" Max smiled, regaining the upper hand but almost losing it immediately as Millie bit her lip. He groaned inwardly at her unconscious response, wondering how it could have such an effect on him. Meanwhile her eyes betrayed her sudden insecurity causing him to feel devilish, she had played him and now it was his turn. "Well she is very pretty, good legs. Bright too, always a pleasure to work with …" he trailed off watching Millie trying to work out whether he was joking or being serious about enjoying Beth's company. "But she's not you. Doesn't even get close and doesn't do this to me." He pulled her hips into his and it was her turn to groan, her eyes closing with the satisfaction of knowing his arousal was all for her, because of her. Whispering, he continued "and if you had been watching closely, you would have seen that she was doing all the talking and touching. I was too busy trying to keep an eye on you, which brings me back to where we started. What about Dave?"

"Dave who?" Millie silenced him the best way she knew how.

They kissed slowly, deeply for several minutes, pretending that they weren't hiding in an alcove in a busy pub full of colleagues who might find them at any moment. Max couldn't resist running his hand along her thigh, his fingers nudging under the skirt of her dress. He still couldn't forget about Dave even though logic told him that he was irrelevant.

"Did you wear this on purpose?" he broke away and asked at last.

"What do you mean? I thought you liked it." Millie tried to capture his lips again to dissuade him from talking.

"You know I do. But did you wear this to tease me or to make other men want you? You must have noticed the others staring."

"I'm not interested in any other man wanting me and as for the staring, well that's all they can do." Millie looked up at him with big eyes through her fringe and it was enough. He brushed the hair away from her eyes and to him that simple act erased Dave's earlier invading touch. To Millie it felt like glorious possession – him of her and her of him, the balance was a delicate one. There had been times over the past few months where Max felt he held her only by a gossamer strand, but even then as now, he knew the bond connecting them could survive anything if they allowed it to. Nobody else would tear them apart, not Dave, not Beth. They could only do that to each other and he had very nearly managed to do it once already, never again.

Max ordered a cab and told Millie he'd let her know when it was outside. He dodged Beth stalking him in the bar and went out to check it was there after a few minutes. Seeing the car pull up he signalled to the driver to wait and went back in to catch Millie's attention.

"It's here. Get the driver to stop outside Barclays and I'll meet you there" he got close enough to whisper in her ear before moving away again.

"What did he say Millie?" asked Mel, surprised at Max speaking so intimately to Millie.

"Oh, er … he likes my boots" Millie blurted out the first thing that came to mind then mentally kicked herself for her banality. Mel looked at her sceptically.

"Really? Doubt they would suit him" she muttered unconvinced as Millie blushed an looked away quickly.

Millie made her excuses to her friends, tired, headache, probably too much to drink. Everybody else was in the process of still having too much to drink to notice her earlier disappearance and make a connection with Max. As she walked towards the exit, she caught sight of Dave propping up the bar waiting to be served, not so far away stood Beth looking sulky next to Ben and Leon who were trying to get her to smile. Millie's eyes flicked between the two. She trusted Max, but she didn't quite trust Beth not to get the hint and stay away. Hoping that Max wasn't watching, Millie hurried over to the bar.

"Dave?"

"Hey Millie. I was hoping you'd call but didn't expect to see you again quite so soon" he joked lightly.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to call you."

Dave sighed. "I thought not, but couldn't you let me hope, just a little?"

Millie shook her head. "I couldn't do that. You seem like a nice guy, but I really am involved with someone and it wouldn't be fair." She reached into her clutch bag and pulled out his card. "There is however someone here who you might be interested in. Long dark hair, short blue dress, over there with the two guys."

Dave looked over her shoulder. "Oh I saw her earlier, hanging off the arm of a guy who didn't even seem to know she was there. Miserable looking piece of work, him not her that is."

"Oh, right" Millie tried not to react to the rather accurate description of her boyfriend. "Well, she is single" she continued quickly, pushing the card into his hand "and I think you might get on well with each other."

Dave shrugged and looked across again at Beth briefly. "Maybe. I'll see how I feel later, she looks nice, but you look incredible." His words reminded her suddenly of Max's earlier in the evening, and all she wanted was to be away from here. Millie smiled her goodbye and left to find her taxi.


	15. Epilogue pt 3

This is where the story probably earns is 'M' rating, so beware ...

I haven't involved music in my stories before, but "You look so fine" by Garbage would be a good soundtrack to this final chapter.

* * *

Millie let herself out of the taxi as soon as it drew up at her gates, leaving Max to pay the driver. She strode off into her apartment and by the time he caught up with her, she was already standing at the kitchen sink with a half full glass of water. Silently he took it from her and drained it. They both knew what was coming next, only the how remained undecided. Millie took a step towards him, closing the distance between their bodies, she could feel the heat and tension radiating from him, resting her hips against his, he held her close with one hand. It thrilled her to have power over this man, but of course he had power too. It wasn't as if she was capable of walking away, not now and probably not ever. Even so, she was determined to enjoy the game. Her lips parted, he brought his free hand up to cradle her cheek and she turned into it, branding his palm with an open-mouthed kiss. His sharp intake of breath told her all she needed to know. She laid her hands on his chest and guided him back towards the sofa until he was forced to sit down. Following him down, she straddled his lap, her dress riding higher on her thighs than it already did, running her hands through his hair, tilting his head back so that he was looking up at her in supplication. She sank down against his hips, feeling how aroused he was. Max closed his eyes and groaned, this was almost too much but incredibly wonderful all at the same time. He just hoped that she wasn't going to lead him on before throwing him out. Surely she wouldn't? Any doubt was erased when he opened his eyes to gaze directly into hers. "You belong to me Max and I will not share you. If you ever lie to me or cheat", the 'again' was left unsaid, "even so much as a drunken misguided kiss, that will be the end of us. Do you understand?"

"Yes" he whispered, utterly mesmerised. She lowered her mouth to his.

************

He gently eased her down onto the bed and drew back to remove her boots. From her feet, he ran his hands along her legs, hitching up the skirt of her dress along her thighs to her hips with both hands. Swiftly, he reached up to tug at the waist of her tights and underwear, stripping her legs bare within a second or two. Marvelling at his handiwork, his eyes ran the length of her body to her face looking up at him with a mixture of abandonment and amusement. He felt his blood surge through his body at the sight.

"Turn over" the words were softly spoken but commanding nonetheless. Millie hesitated for a second before complying. She raised herself up on her forearms, hands clasped together to hide their trembling. Max knelt on the bed across her thighs and reached up to sweep away her hair from the back of her neck, allowing him to place the lightest of kisses at her nape, little more than sweeping his lips across her sensitive skin. Her breath hitched at the exquisite sensation and a shiver rippled across her body. She felt his fingers unhook the clasp at the top of her dress before slowly drawing down the zip, his lips attending to each ridge on her spine as it became exposed, unhooking her bra on the way. She dropped her head to her clasped hands, her eyes closed, concentrating on breathing as he worshipped her. She let out a little sob of disappointment when the zip reached the end at the base of her spine. His lips lingered a moment before he repeated his earlier command. This time she did not hesitate as she flipped over beneath him. Her hair cascaded around her like a molten halo, her hands equally incendiary as they came to rest on his thighs. Their eyes locked. Max leant forward to grasp the shoulders of her undone dress, peeling it back from her skin as he shifted from his position on the bed to stand at her feet, meanwhile she lifted her hips to allow him to remove the dress altogether, leaving her naked.

It wasn't the first time he'd undressed her, but somehow it felt more enthralling, more exciting because he'd had to work so hard to earn the right to do it this time. They'd come a long way and been through more in the last year than many couples would do in a lifetime. She raised herself up onto her elbows, bending one leg a little, all the while her eyes never left his. He wondered if she was unconsciously still punishing him. Showing him exactly what he had so nearly thrown away, what he had been missing for so long. She didn't need to do that, he knew well enough. It might have been only a few months since he had last had sex, but that had been with Irina and although he had gained physical release, it had otherwise been wholly unsatisfying, leaving him wracked with self-loathing for having enjoyed it albeit at the most base level.

"I think you're overdressed, don't you?" chided Millie as she swung her legs beneath her to kneel on the bed in front of him. The movement of her body hypnotised him, his mouth went dry with longing. Dumbly he fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, but Millie brushed his hands aside and set to work herself delivering the same treatment to him that he had to her, placing open-mouthed kisses on his chest as she undid each button, his chest hair tickling her lips as she went. He fisted his hands in her hair as her fingers and mouth worked their way down from his chest to his stomach, he could only watch as the top of her head dipped lower and lower. She pulled his shirt out of the waist of his jeans and with the final button undone she ran her hands back up to his chest, smoothing the fabric over his shoulders and down his arms so that it fell to the floor. Max gently pulled back on her hair, silently asking her to look up at him. She was just out of reach of his lips, he drew his fingers from her hair to rest beneath her jaw and tenderly pulled her up towards him. Their eyes searched each other for a few moments before both succumbed to the overwhelming need to press skin to skin, to share the heat that was building between them.

Their kiss was delicate at first, lips danced, teasing, gentle nips capturing each other for the briefest of moments until Millie could bear it no longer. She dug her fingers into his hair and pulled his mouth to hers. Max didn't resist her demand and plunged into her mouth, claiming it for his very own, as she did his. She became aware of his semi-clothed state when he pulled her hips to his. His belt buckle dug sharply in to the bare soft flesh of her abdomen. Urgently she pulled back and her hands flew to his belt, undoing the it in an instant but she struggled with buttons of his jeans. It was Max's turn to brush away her hands, he ripped at the buttons and within seconds he too was naked and lowering Millie down onto her back.

***********

Exhausted but deliriously happy, Max collapsed to her side. It took superhuman effort to force himself to remove the condom, knot it and drop it to the floor beside the bed, before once again crumpling next to her, his face nestled into her neck.

"I love you."

Millie smiled but didn't speak, she hadn't dared to hope he would ever say those words and even if he did, that she would believe him.

Max was puzzled by her silence, insecurity gripped him. "Millie, did you hear me?"

"Yes."

"Well?" The uncertainty was clear in his voice.

Millie shifted herself round to face him, her hand resting on his cheek. "Why say it now?"

"I didn't want you to think that I was only saying it to get you into bed" he mumbled self-consciously.

"Did you really think I would?"

Max shrugged, his vulnerability made her heart ache. "You wouldn't let me say it before, I thought …"

"I love you. I have done from the start, despite everything or maybe because of everything. And I know you love me. I see it in your eyes, in how you hold me. I know you Max and I need you every bit as much as you need me. Never doubt it"


End file.
